Oh No. Temptations.

Darn. I told myself I won't be blogging tonight. But the fingers got itchy.

Was surfing through Friendster looking at my testimonials since I can't get to sleep. Can't believe my friends wrote so much crap about me.

Yah some of them are true and some of them WERE true. In saying so, some of the testimonials applied to the past when things were still smooth-sailing.

And one of my friend said I had dimples when I smile. Do I?

My mobile bill came. Only 649 messages this month. Well done! But incurred a severe damage of 24 bucks for an overseas call. But that call was worth it.

It has been long since my bill went below $100. And I am still waiting for that day to come.

Seriously, do I really look so bad that no one wants to reply me on Friendster when I messaged them? Or it is my profile that turns people off for that matter?

I think I had developed a twisted sense of melancholy nowadays targetted at things that seemingly don't work out. Or rather, at things that obviously won't work out.

I seriously need to know more people who go blading, camping and night cycling. My life is miserable. My work is piling up like a mountain. I have got no freaking mood to finish up my proposal and here I am blogging away and looking at the what-nots.

Sharity Camp is coming soon and I can't wait to be the pink mascot. I wonder if it fits. I hope not. Wahaha. *evil thoughts*

I shall add on some new stuff on my wishlist before I go to sleep.

Can someone tell me that it wouldn't rain tomorrow so that I can go and bask in the sun? Thank you so much. I love you all.

Happening.

It was happening last night. 5 places.

Firstly, Newsroom Bar. One word. Boring. Jimmy and his poly friends + me and Steve.

Total ammo expended: 3 bottles of Chivas Regal + One jug of beer

Secondly, Under One Roof KTV Pub. Two words. Abit happening.

Total ammo expended: 2 jugs of beer

Thirdly, Central KTV Pub. Two words. Closing soon.

Total ammo expended: 1 jug of beer

Fourthly, 97. One word. Happening. Girls became wild while I stone and drink.

Total ammo expended: 2 jugs of beer

Fifthly, Devil's Bar. Four words. Head-thumping house and trance.

Total ammo expended: None.

Was listening to other people singing when one song touched me. Then tears flowed again after 2 months since I last had strong emo-swings. And damn I forgotten the song title.

Devil's Bar was boring so I went home after staying a while there. And congratulations to Steve with a new teacher girlfriend! *blows whistles*

Okay, nothing much now. Shall be stoning for a while before I go church.

Sometimes.

Sometimes, people say that when they are drunk/high, they say the truth.

For me, I can't rest my case.

I really, really miss her.

Missing the times that I hug her to sleep. Missing the times when I treat her like my own. Missing the way she dances around me.

I practically miss her everything.

Sometimes, it is miserable to meet up for even just a while. Cause it makes you reminisce about the past.

Our opinions about things had changed so much that I feel like giving up.

You had imprisoned my ideals in a prison of memories and hope.

I pray to God that you sort out your thoughts fast.

A BBQ.

Had terrible controlling while driving just now. Too rusty after not driving for a month.

Wanted to get a tan and swim but it seemed that the weather in Tampines seemed potentially hostile. Decided to go straight to Ailing's place to fix her computer.

And thanks to the weather in Singapore ah. It was all bright and sunny afterwards.

Went to a birthday BBQ of Ailing and Lihua's friend at East Coast Park. I am starting to develop feeling for this place; a strong feeling of self-belonging and anti-depressant-like emotions just overwhelm me whenever I go there.

It was low tide and hence the beach was kinda open. Cooling breezes, melodious sounds of the waves and swaying of coconut tree leaves made up a harmonious orchestra. The mellow moon rised slowly from the edge of the sea horizon, ascending to accompany the uncountable numbers of stars shimmering in the twilight sky.

The sight was mesmerizing and I felt like I'm in a paradise of my own, losing my soul in my chain of thoughts.

Oh well, enough of descriptions. The food was nice and chicken wings tasted great. And I enjoy BBQ-ing chicken wings, especially for her in the past.

And yes, I didn't really enjoy myself with the BBQ-ing, but rather chatting with old friends. And of course, the magical aura of the surroundings.

I watched the yellow moon rise over the sea horizon,
mellow reflections on the calm sea liken to obvious reasons.
I watched the numerous stars glitter like beautiful diamonds,
but as beautiful as they are, I had lost all interest.

The splashing of waves on the beach relaxes my sorrowful mind,
soothing the injurious heart that is crying inside.
Gushes of breeze slapped across my face many, many times,
telling me to wake up from this meaningless crime.

Heaven and Earth made a joke out of you and me,
I felt I’ve been to Hell and back and still unredeemed.
Do you have to part with me and shatter all my dreams?
I guess this is the way it should end; subtle and quietly.

Good night.

2nd Poem For The Night.

I remembered the times that you don't allow me to hold your hands,

I felt so disturbed as if I fell into an endless pit feeling so intense.

Smiling bitterfully with a tinge of pain,

since the day you left me with nothing; I change and repent.

You hid behind me quietly,

using your hands to kill my dreams.

You know how true is my heart,

but it's you who needs the most thinking.

Oh baby why would you hurt me so long,

that person shouldn't be me anymore.

Oh baby why could you hurt me so long,

please let me know; the sadness you've given me is not justified at all.

Is it my words that caused you to falter,

causing you to be altered.

Is it my love for you that is uncalled for;

the most foolish one is my determination.

Poem.

I always thought I could forget you,
but your shadow in my heart followed me through.
crying and missing you every night are what I do,
I can't help it, I want to escape but it's all too real.

What is "I'll love you forever; you are the best for me,"
every single words you've said lingered in my heart of misery.
Thinking of you, thinking of things every night before I sleep,
should I let go & find another to soothe me?

Please tell me how to forget you,
please tell me how to make my love for you concealed.
Concealed in a part of my shattered heart;
in a part where the memories are not in dispute.

Please tell me how to hide your presence,
please teach me how to forget you with a reason.
The so-called "eternal love we shall have,"
will only make me feel perturbed and lonesome.

Broke.

Okay, had a major expenditure last night. Now I'm really broke.

Went out with Theng yesterday noon and had dinner with Theng and Joyce. Not wanting to waste the night, I called Jimmy up for a drink because I want to know what happened (*sigh-est*) a few nights back.

Met up at 85 for 6 bottles of beer and some food before Jimmy's mobile rang at 2130 hrs. Oh, clubbing again. I don't know if that's a good thing or not, and I was having some forms of confusion. Anyway, it wouldn't matter if I don't go but in the end, temptation got the better of us and we went down. Entered via Velvet Underground (age limit is 25) because Phuture was in a state of full-house. I look old lah I know. Arghz.

Went to Phuture to look for his friend, and I became curious about how Lychee Martini tasted like. Got psycho-ed by Jimmy (he said better to try than not to try and die with regrets if I get knocked down by a car later on) to purchase one. Not nice one. Feeling bored, we went over to Zouk to look for Ah Beng. Before an hour, we were outta the place. Jimmy cannot take it already. Wahaha!

Went for supper alone after Jimmy went home and concuss. So I shall break down my extravagant expenditure last night.

1. 6 bottles of beer at 85 @ $28.80
2. A plate of sambal stingray @ $10
3. A bowl of pork porridge with egg @ sponsored by Jimmy
4. Entry via Velvet underground @ $25
5. 01 Lychee Martini @ $12
6. 01 Mee Goreng with egg for supper @ $2.50
7. Cab fare @ $11.50
8. Terriyaki Chicken Rice @ $4.90 at PS with the couple.

I shall hibernate at home until the next payday.

"I just Wished Upon A Star."

Yes, I went fishing at Bedok Jetty with Theng and Joyce. Sadly, no fishes were caught. Smart-arses. Ate my baits and swam away.

I saw a shooting star but not knowing what it was initially, I commented," Eh, RSAF flying about again."

Ya later on I realised it was a shooting star because it disappeared halfway through its course of travel. Like, it diminished. Of course, I made a wish. A silent one.

Made a silent wish in my heart, wishing it would come true. *fingers crossed*

Theng commented that one religion believes that when a shooting star is spotted, it means that someone had passed on. How sad.

It was an eye-opener to a swine like me who never did see a shooting star before with his very eyes before.

And not forgetting the blades, I bladed from the jetty to Fort Road and back. Got an ugly bruise on my left knee. Thank you East Coast Park for the bumpiness. Well well, how nice to have a companion sometimes just to blade with me and enjoy the sea breeze. No words need to be exchanged. Just feel.

With our hearts and souls.

Let God decide my life. He had it all planned out for me. I shall do His will and all (and more) will fall unto me.

Martell Airhead + Chivas-Fest = Insomnia?

I don't know why this title but it just popped up in my mind and here you go.

And yes, I didn't drink any of those in my title so stop labelling me as an assoholic alcoholic you people.

Anyway, I couldn't get to sleep so I decided to surf the Friendster's bulletin board and saw something cliche.

Take a look:

GIRL: I saw him today
BOY: I saw her today

GIRL: It seems like its been forever
BOY: I wonder if she still cares

GIRL: He looks better than before
BOY: I couldn't stop staring at her

GIRL: I asked him how things were going
BOY: I asked about her new boyfriend

GIRL: I'd choose him over any boy I’m with
BOY: She's probably really happy right now

GIRL: He couldn’t even look at me
BOY: I couldn’t look at her without starting to cry

GIRL: He doesn’t mean it
BOY: I told her I miss her

GIRL: He didn't mean it
BOY: I meant it

GIRL: I love him
BOY: She loves her new boyfriend

GIRL: I held him for the last time
BOY: She gave me a friendly hug

GIRL: Then I went home and cried
BOY: Then I went home and cried

GIRL: I still love him
BOY: I’ve lost her forever

Eh, wake up wake up. Life is never like this to start with; it was seldom/rarely meant to be this way. Life ain't a fairytale. Face it, this world is as cruel as it can get. Okay I know I sounded very pessimistic in this post but well, it is always good to be so sometimes. Not so good to feel so optimistic because when you fall, you fall harder.

Sometimes, you might just break your spine and never gain a foothold in life anymore.

Who wants to watch a movie with me? I am so bored can. Me ain't camping tomorrow anymore, just plain fishing and chilling by the jetty. *sad*

Three days ago I was picturing myself drinking ice-cold beer on Changi Jetty at night while fishing and camping, talking away the whole night with soulmates. But well, *gone*

I need to hit the gym and pool soon. I am getting fat and fairer by the day. Call me FatBoySlim.

I realised that I had became fucking naggy in my blog. I shall stop here for today.

Good morning.

Oh, What's Up Again?

Okay, Saturday night was a major disaster. I wouldn't want to talk about it. But I just want to express utter sadness and disappointment with that close friend of mine. Freaking pissed with myself also.

Scold me.

Anyway, shan't brood over it. After some time I will clear up this mess myself.

Jimmy became a pilot today, and flew his aeroplane past me just an hour before I was prepared to meet him at his place for a night of three-bottles-of-wine-drinking + "Dynasty Warrior-ing" + lotsa of calamari, chicken wings and Ngo Hiang.

But well, I managed to hit Theng in his soft spot and ta-da! I have programmes again tonight!

Me: Hello, you want to go cycle tonight after your gathering?

Theng: Okay lor!

Me: Eh, but is Joyce okay with it anot? Go ask her leh.

Theng (to Joyce) : Eh Hong Da ask me go night cycling later can anot?

(Joyce to Theng): Okay lor.

Okay he got his permission from Joyce.

Me: Then where you want to cycle?

Theng: Wah I thought you want to recce East Coast for tomorrow's camping cum

fishing night.

Me: Wah le wu siao boh!

Theng: Haha then tomorrow no need to go liao.

So I shall wait patiently for his call because I'm damn freaking hungry. And while waiting, I was surfing blogs and saw a few interesting links. However, only one appeals to me.

Please see this. Sure to whet your appetite for your meals everyday, from morning to supper without fail.

Seriously I'm still wondering how to add those cute little web buttons from Friendster and MSN etc to my blog. Those people who managed to do that are FREAKS!

Oh please pardon me for my strong language today. I am feeling a little eccentric now.

You know those "Just For Laughs" programmes on TV Mobile? They never fail to make my day. So I was actually thinking, can Singaporeans take it in lighter spirits should those tricks happened to them? Singaporeans are highly petty and opinionated (including me at times, of cause) in nature, some snobbish, some childish, some "tai-tai" wannabes. Zooming in on females, I came to realise most (I state again, most and not ALL) are materialistic. Almost definitely, at one point or another in their lives. Show me a lady who ain't materialistic even once, I bow to her and run in Orchard with my Sharity Elephant mascot. Kidding.

Period.

I was so high on driving Jimmy's car last night that his shades actually slided off the dashboard. It was a 90 degrees turning at gear 3. Woo. I forgotten where are the brakes. Imagine I attempted to accelerate but stalled the car instead for 5 times. Then I realised that I had been stepping on the brake pedal all these while instead of the accelerator. Damn.

Okay I can't stand it anymore. I must be out of my house now. I am just so hungry that I could eat a Bongo.

Shall get arty-farty with an emotional (or the "what-not"s) poem after I come back from the trip.

Prison of Love.

Inspired by a Chinese song which is sung by Hacken Lee.

Words of tenderness still hung on your mouth,
but your feelings for me had now turned dull.
By force you returned me my freedom now,
there's no way of evading this trial.

I need the antidote for love as a result,
imprisoned by memories that I can't repel.
You sentenced this love to meaningless eternity now,
my heart burns with an unappreciated passion that no one can tell.

You banished my feelings for you to a love prison cell,
using memories as handcuffs to imprison myself.
I cried out to laugh; I felt that I was overly-indulged,
no one out there is able to help.

I long knew love is like a painful prison cell,
but I can't help but to walk right into this trap, my belle.
The winds of loneliness blow; I'm the timekeeper on my own lonely isle,
what tomorrow brings is a mystery which no one can foretell.

Okay, sounded nice and good. It's been long since I've composed a poem.

More to come!

Insomiac Me.

Okay I swear this is plain boredom and totally nuts.

I feel so lazy to sleep. Total irony you see down here.

Got a major piss-off when I accidentally deleted HALF of my template while editing it. Anyway, new stuff are here.

A new poll and a new pet, Nemo Jr! *claps claps*

He is nice and he swims. He is yellow and he eats whatever I feed him with.

And this is something that I had done out of boredom. Perhaps with a tinge of seriousness in it.

I made a Quiz for you! Take my Quiz! and then Check out the Scoreboard!

I spent the whole of today running around NTU for my proposal. Thank God it was kinda fruitful. Bought myself a small bag also at $9.90. Ah!

I wonder how do I spend my Saturday tomorrow. Hmm. Suggestions people?

Good night.

Ohhh...

Okay I'm home from KTV pub-hopping. From Under One Roof to Central with Jimmy, Jeff and 小胖. Well, it was fun and cheap. Learned quite a number of very, very nice songs. Okay, not exactly learned but came to know about their existence. Shall let you guys take a sneak preview at them.

张栋梁 - 我真的以为
张克勤 - 情牢
刘德华 - 忘了隐藏
张学友 - 我真的受伤了
张智霖 - 祝君好

All-time favourite - 忘了隐藏. Wahaha! And do click on the songs to appreciate their lyrics. How beautifully sung!

I am supposed to be up at 8.15am and why am I still here? Screwed biological clock. Argh!

It churned my mind to know that girls so young are actually working in Central as P.R.Os (Public Relations Officers, in case those sick-in-the-mind dimwits couldn't get it). For money? For guys? To pass time?

Oh well, none of my business. My job was just to look at eye candy. Shouldn't be a problem going there again since the booze is cheap.

And yay! This time no rashes after supper at bedok 85!

Bad Rain.

I think I had taken a twisted pleasure towards editing my blog and wanting to make it highly customizable. It ain't easy after all.

Life had been VERY stagnant these few days, waking up at 3 and having nothing much to do. Imagine waking up to see that it is raining. That is very sad and slightly traumatising, especially when I'm turning fairer by the days. My printer is down and I can't print. And I am so darn lazy to get it fixed. I still haven't close my joint UOB account also. Got a letter today stating that I owe them a debit sum of $13.52.

And how the hell am I going to make my way for tuition when it is raining? Sometimes rain really pisses me off.

Luckily my rashes from last night were gone. If not probably I would be covered with calamine lotion today.

Joyce had made plans for the weekend camping cum fishing trip. Oooo I just can't wait!

Apart from lamenting the fact that my life had been stagnant, I have to be up at 7 tomorrow. Go to NTU and sell D & D tickets for the Year 4s. Initially we were told that we HAVE to go for the dinner because of vacancies but hey, what business is it of ours when we are only Year 1s? If no one wants to go, then don't even hold it in the first place perhaps. Save the money up for better uses.

Okay I am evil and mean by speaking like that.

But I am just being honest with things and myself. Is it really so hard to be honest and blatantly open with your views and then end up being persecuted? Well, welcome to the world.

Heh.

Argh.

Okay, the rashes ain't over my right arm only. It's ALL OVER my body.

The first time I've faced these rashes was during CNY two years ago, just before I meet up with my ex to go to her parents' friend's place in Potong Pasir for dinner. Now it was after a meal of Bak Kut Teh.

This is really frightening. Maybe I am getting critically ill soon.

Oh well, I'm dying young anyway. Facing mid-life crisis now also. Haha!

Once again, good night.

Rashes, Rashes & More Rashes.

I don't know why but I've gotten rashes all over my arms. Ain't itchy but they're red patches. First time happening to me even since two years ago (and I can vividly remember that day).

Sometimes I do wonder that if I fall critically ill, who will be the one to sleep by my ward bed. Who would be the one to accompany me until I am well.

Or would there be anyone to do that at all?

I do think that other than my parents, no one will bother about me at all.

It's getting late. With worthless thoughts on my head, it is still best for me if I shower now and think nothing much.

*intrinsically missing you*

Good night.

Pain.

How can I feel good when I drank two barrels with my juniors? A terrible headache now. The headache added on when I read her blog. I cannot think straight now. My legs felt as if there's rheumatism in them. So numb and aching. Bad headache. I can't blog for now.

I feel so terrbile. Emotionally and physically. Feels especially painful when I cannot fathom how a girl thinks.

Good night.

Bullshit.

It seemed that I had not bullshitted about life for the past few days. Let me start my never-ending bitching for now. Or rather, comments about life these few days.

As promised, I went to East Coast with James and company after my tuition with Brion on Sunday. Had a Chocolate of A Thousand Leaves at Coffee Beans & Tea Leaf in East Coast Park. Not wanting to waste my time and looking at the fact that I was PRETTY behind schedule for Teachers' Challenge, I decided to bring the laptop along and do my work.

After I ordered my cake, I went out of the outlet and looked for a seat with an available power point. Bingo! Other than realising there's an available supply for the laptop, I saw a chic sitting just beside the table I am aiming at. How good can it be. Paid for my cake, filled up a cup of ice-cold water and proceeded outside.

F*ck. An Indian just sat down on it and was using the power supply for his own laptop. Bitch. Other than lamenting the fact that I can't sit outside because there ain't anymore available power points (and I can't look at the chic), I went in and settled down. Pathetic day.

And I cannot fathom why I cannot connect to Starhub Wireless network. That's a side issue because once I get the connection, I won't focus on work.

Being a nice boy, I did my work faithfully when James and Jeffrey appeared while I was on the phone with Sharon talking about the proposal. Suggested eating dinner (yes AFTER I had my fill of the cake and water) and got half of James' share of chicken from Kenny Rogers.

Went up to Home and finished up the bottle of Jack Daniel's before Allan came. Was surprised to see Weimin coming with Jimmy also. One funny thing that I find it quoteworthy:

Customer singing: 想用一杯 LATTE 把妳灌醉...

Jimmy: Le wu siao boh? 要用一杯 latte 灌醉我! Tao nao pai ah!

Jimmy:想用一瓶 Martell 把妳灌醉吗! Then 我才会 dou!

Oh well, and played a round of pool with Allan after that. And I cannot forgive myself for the fact that I hit my first cueball with a cue WITHOUT the rubber head. I am dumb.

Jimmy was bored, as expected. Keep complaining that we should go to Central. James went off at 10 because he got to work the next day. So fine enough. Then Jimmy got a call at 11 from his friend. Off he and Weimin go. To Central. Happily.

Being a good boy (again), I went home; walked all the way out to take a bus. Got home, felt feverish, but nonetheless I did my proposal while crapping discussing with Sharon. Complaining that I didn't tell her I was online (because she had got some stuff to discuss with me), I still think it is her fault for not realising I had set online for AN HOUR already. How would I know if she had something to discuss with me? And before she sleep, she said it was my fault for not telling her I was online (again) because she lost her beauty sleep. Crap. Haha!

So I can't sleep last night again despite a mild fever. I forgotten what I did last night before I sleep. Oh yah, I kept measuring my temperature to see how high it can go. Then I read my book before I sleep. Slept at 6am without the air-con for the fear of a fever outbreak the next day. Then it will totally ruin the Night Safari trip just now.

Woke up and rushed the last minute touch-ups for Boss. Emailed her and hurried down to AMK to meet up with them for dinner. Was late, as per normal. And Sharon said she wants to treat me to a carrot juice drink. And FYI, I HATE it for now. I almost drank it in the past until I almost puke. Negotiated for mango juice instead. Nah, didn't work.

Night Safari just now was interesting. Didn't know so many species of deers are nocturnal. And otters know how to recycle plastics, aluminum cans and paper cups. That was during the "Creatures of The Night" show. Crap. Had my first Ben and Jerry's ice cream over there. Shared a double scoop with Sharon. Freaking influenced me to buy because she said," The rest had bought, so we must eat as well."

And chocolate mint ice-cream tasted like toothpaste (quoted from Sharon). Chocolate Brownies ice cream was NICEEEEEEEEEE. But oh well, it tasted as ordinary as Marigold's ice cream for that matter.

Went for supper at Jalan Kayu after the place closed at 12mn. Had kambing soup with two pratas and teh-tarik (standard order). Girls' talk after finishing, guys' talk with Yibin and Spencer. Was getting slightly restless from time to time.

Imagine talking about school and next semester during the darn long holiday. Yes, 10 more freaking weeks to go. Yibin, being the nice driver, sent all of us home. But I walked back from his house. Haha.

Having nothing to do, I surfed blogs. Blogs of people whom I don't know. Interesting. Getting addicted to it.

Other than getting addicted to reading anonymous blogs, I had taken a unusual fetish towards drinking Martell with hot water. Tasted nice. But my mentality for drinking it was totally nuts. I hope it can drive away my fever. Nah, things don't work this way. And yah, I've just taken an interest in retro songs also.

Darn I cannot sleep early. My biological clock is so screwed. I want to go tanning tomorrow.

Nowadays my fart smells bad. Something is wrong with me. Hope that Jimmy gets his job soon.

Good night. And this post is 992 words long.

What's Your Love Style?

Your Love Style is Agape

You are a caring, kind, and selfless partner. Unsurprisingly, your love style is the most rare. You are willing to sacrfice your world for your sweetie. Except it doesn't really feel like sacrifice to you. For you, nothing feels better than giving to the one you love.

What's Your Love Style?

Sleepy Lah.

I am cutting down on drinking. When people ask, then I'll go if I'm free. No point asking people out and drink with until I "buey ling chu".

It's time to save up. No more buying of fags.

Was at Home KTV just now with James, Ah Huat, Meimei, Jeffrey and Allan plus another few unknown friends. Shall go there tomorrow again to accompany James. He needs some talking to clear his mind of the emotional shit.

And Jimmy ignored my SMS just now. Totally. Haha.

I will drink socially now. My body is beginning to reject alcohol on the whole.

And yes, I can finally burp!

Played pool for the first time in the past 1/2 year last night with Bernard at East Coast also. Won a Big Breakfast from him though after playing close to 15 rounds of pool. Went home with a terrible stomach and had diarrhoea FOUR times afterwards at home. My tummy is still not recovering from the 3-day bouts of runny tummy. Had dinner and desserts with Nutty at Ajisen's and The Coffee Connection just now. It was fun hanging out with her because she is funny and vulgar in her own unique ways which I probably won't see elsewhere.

And I am still behind schedule for my Teachers' Challenge proposal. But I shall present my work on time by rushing again tomorrow.

Sunday is here, and she will be back. I pray and hope that things are well and fine for her and her friends. Think they should enjoy themselves very much over there.

And seriously, I would appreciate it very much if the anonymous "queen"in my tagboard will tell me personally his/her identity, either through SMS or MSN or whatsoever. I hate people to be sneaky and mysterious, especially when it comes to serious issues like this. Thank you.

*Yawns*

Bummer.

Oh well, I don't have the mood to do anything. I feel so lifeless. Once I am home, I sit in front of my 17 inch Philips LCD monitor and start to see who are online on MSN. After doing so, I will log on to Friendster. After seeing that there's nothing new (that's normal) in my account, I will check my 3 emails for any updates from my boss on orientation, after which relevant files will be saved and downloaded into my computer and presto! I just let the documents pile up.

How come I am bumming around when I am so very enthusiastic about the planning? I feel so weird you know, things like my body telling me to reject beer. The mood to drink isn't there either, which is darn good.

Actually I just feel like doing the things I like without restrictions. Like cycling to East Coast to camp and fish there with close friends. Or blading at night? Or just spend time drinking coffee and watching a movie or two with long-lost friends. The majority of my wishes in the wish list are not fulfiled yet.

So sad.

I feel my spirit slowly coming back into my body again. It is rejuvenating me. I feel renewed at times. The sub-conscious mind is really powerful.

Was giving tuition to Brion when he couldn't remember things which I had emphasised before. I almost blew up but yet I restrained. Sometimes it is kind of heart-wrenching to know that you put in so much effort in mentoring the child and then he tells you that he forgotten about it. And yes, he said that with his face wearing a sheepish grin.

Promised Diana that I will plan a class gathering in June at her place. Promised Dr Chia to consolidate the class list of those who wants to participate in laboratory activities. But both promises are left hanging in the air. I am one who hate people who breaks promises and yet I am doing it myself. How hypocritical.

Never mind, it is just the beginning of the holiday. Let me get a hold of my life first before anything else comes. I will get a mental breakdown if I really work myself out even after the examinations.

She's going to KL tomorrow. I am really apprehensive about the results of things. Sometimes when I crystallize my thoughts on this emotional issue, I get confused over things again. I hear two voices; one telling me to heck it because there will never be an ending and the other telling me to wait because I probably still see hope.

But I will still get myself back. Not for her good, not because of her, not because I want to pursue this hope of mine. But for all my friends who had given me kind advice which I might had sadly turned a deaf ear to.

I will be myself again. If things ever look gleamingly good again, it shall be a bonus. Otherwise, I'm still me. Anyway, she's attached after all.

I shall be a man of principles. (",)

张信哲 - 从开始到现在

Prelude:
你真的忘得了你的出初情人吗? 假如, 有一天, 你遇到了跟她长得一模一样的人. 她真的就是她吗? 还有可能吗? 这是命运的宽容, 还是另一次不怀好意的玩笑?

如果这是最后的结局 为何我还忘不了你
时间改变了我们告别了单纯
如果重缝也无法继续 失去才算是永恒
惩罚我的认真是我太过天真

难道我就这样过我的一生 我的吻注定吻不到最爱的人
为你等从一开始盼到现在 也同样落得不可能
难道爱情可以转交给别人 但命运注定留不住我爱的人
我不能 我怎么会愿意承认 你是我不该爱的人

如果再见是为了再分 失去才算是永恒
一次新的记忆为何还要再生

难道我就这样过我的一生 我的吻注定吻不到最爱的人
为你等从一开始盼到现在 也同样落得不可能
难道爱情可以转交给别人 但命运注定留不住我爱的人
我不能 我怎么会愿意承认 你是我不该爱的人

拿什么作证 从未想过爱一个人 需要那么残忍 才证明爱得深

难道我就这样过我的一生 我的吻注定吻不到最爱的人
为你等从一开始盼到现在 也同样落得不可能
难道爱情可以转交给别人 但命运注定留不住我爱的人
我不能我怎么会愿意承认 你是我不该爱的人

Emotional Education.

Chatted with my friend just now and had gotten some really different insights on how a relationship works and fails.

"Feelings come and go. It is how we choose to preserve what we had chosen in the first place and make the best out of it instead of fluctuating back and forth."

"There will always be attractions. It is about remembering the other things about the special person that keeps you on track."

"Not everything is about feelings. You can have feelings for a lot of people. But it's a lot of other things that keep you on track with that special someone."

"You can have feelings for many people, but it is your mentality that manages your life. You should not let your feelings take over, or divorce will be in the near future."

"You should know how attraction works. No gifts can make the difference if there isn't enough attraction in the first place. She may be impressed by the effort that one had put in to go after her (which guy doesn't do that when they go after the girl?) but what is more important is whether the guy continue loving the girl after they are together."

"No effort can change anyone's heart if there is no certain amount of attraction. That is a fact."

"Feelings can be developed and also, be cut away. It is how we see it and how we think that decide how smooth things go."

In fact, one thing my friend said made me think.

"She left you; you don't owe her anything. You owe yourself a lot more for dwelling in your own misery."

I finally realised that I owed myself a lot during this period of time.

It is not about her that I have to overcome. It is not about time that heals. It is not about the advice all my friends had given me.

It is about fighting this emotional drama and overcoming the mental barrier in me.

Thank you people. And good night.

Quote.

I can't help but to plagarise again.

It is the things in common tat make relationships enjoyable, but it is the little differences tat make them interesting. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, n the word 'happy' would lose its meanin if it is not balanced by sadness. To err is human, to forgive is divine. A winner rebukes and forgives; a loser is too timid to rebuke and 2 petty to forgive. Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.

From Eric's friend.

How true!

Just so sad that sometimes, people don't see it. And although some people might see it, it's all too late.

Good night. Again.

Promises

I gave my word to let things go on for a month to see if anything develops. But this one month will be terrible.

I hate to wait. Just when I am not waiting already, things crop up.

But I also admit that in the midst of giving up and not waiting, feelings remained as feelings. Unshattered and unfaltered.

I promise to give you the time. And after this decision that you've made, I will lead a new life.

Either with you, or on my own.

Wish you luck and I pray to God that you will know what you want ultimately.

Good night people.

Plagarising.

Let me plagarise, but I shall state my source.

"There is no need to lose what you have or whom you are in a relationship. It takes two individuals to make a couple. Yes you may understand me, but can you accept me? The key is when you know the difference between the two." Quoted from Anonymous femme.

Quoted from Eric's friendster profile.

It is definitely very true that it takes two different individuals to make a couple. If the two are too similar in one way or another, maybe things would be dull at times? But again, different people have different perspectives to this issue.

For me, I don't really bother myself with whether our characters match well, or they clash. You cannot determine the stability of a relationship based on just the characters. Throw in some essential ingredients like trust, compromising and communication and perhaps things are good to go. How about the flaws then? Don't get bothered about it. Because it is just that special something that covers up the flaws flawlessly. So much so that sometimes, you just don't see any flaws anymore.

How about discussing the issue of obligation in a relationship? Definitely there are some forms of obligation, but they should be obligations out of love. Things like "I should tell her I am out with my female friend." And this kind of obligation is respectable.

Let me "change" my sex into a female for now: "Do I owe my partner anything at all when I receive gifts? Do I feel obliged to be with him since he put in the effort to make and give me things? Anyway I do feel for him also."

Some people say "Yes."

No. This is not the way to do things. Very wrong thinking.

Talking about responsibility and fairness in relationships: Yes, one must be responsible for the words being said. What had been promised should stay the way it is, otherwise things would be unfair especially when there are no obvious reasons for breaking the promise. Principles of morality.

Then consider again; How about the efforts that had been put in by someone from the past, whom you might still have feelings for? Wouldn't you be more irresponsible to the person from the past then? Wouldn't it be more unfair to that person looking at the fact that he did so much more than the new guy?

Is that what we call 喜新厌旧?

I always think that the world is unfair, and I know that it is true now. I shall prepare my proposal for orientation again.

Good night to those reading my blog in the wee hours and good morning to those who are reading it the next morning.

Can't Help It.

I can't help but to blog tonight. My friend tried to talk sense into me, asking me to give up, but after all, it seemed so weird.

I know because he had never been so fierce to me before.

But I must say, what he said did make some sense.

What can make me give up? I don't know. All I know is that he didn't know the whole story.

No matter how one is experienced in relationships, I still hold the belief that only the person who went through it knows best.

I don't want to influence anyone because of my blog but I really wish things could be given more serious thoughts about.

Girls want to know me just now, but I didn't care. Why?

Tell me I am stupid.

What matters to one most is to be happy with his/her life, regardless of the influences that friends might have on you.

What meaning would it have if we live our lives listening to other people?

Give me the time until I regret. This is the only thing that I ask for.

People say I am dumb to be a spare tyre. People say there is no point in holding on. But intrinsically, I see every reason to hold on to what may seemed useless and worthless.

Because I still see hope.

I am not suffering, but I just hope for the time to come when I can prove myself again.

It just hurts, even as a friend, to know that things turned out this way because of some reckless words.

No I don't want to talk about it. My heart aches at the mention of it.

Good night.

断点 by 张敬轩

静静的陪你走了好远好远
连眼睛红了都没有发现
听着你说你现在的改变
看着我依然最爱你的笑脸

这条旧路依然没有改变
以往的每次路过都是晴天
想起我们有过的从前
泪水就一点一点开始蔓延

我转过我的脸不让你看见
深藏的暗涌已经越来越明显
过完了今天就不要再见面
我害怕每天醒来想你好几遍

我吻过你的脸
你双手曾在我的双肩
感觉有那么甜我那么依恋
每当我闭上眼
我总是可以看见失信的诺言全部都会实现

我吻过你的脸
虽然你不在我的身边
我还是祝福你过的好一点
断开的感情线
我不要做断点
只想在睡前在听见你的蜜语甜言

Clean & Clear

Hmm..Some things had been sorted out today. It kind of lifted a load off me but at the same time, another load banged onto me. Something harder to accept. Something more heart-wrenching. Something more unexpected. But why bother?

It is hard not to be bothered.

The reason was given over a dinner out there.

I saw obvious guilt on the face so fair.

I blame myself for being so tactless,

leading to actions that were so rash.

I wished I didn't say those things that night. Maybe things might had taken a better turn this time round then.

My heart felt pierced, my breath heavy.

Knowing the fact made me so giddy.

Forgetting it all is so easy;

I just need to hide in hypocrisy.

But I try not to be a hypocrite in this aspect. I am outspoken and I speak my mind.

But what good does it do to speak your mind when things are already too late. Really too late. Probably beyond salvage?

Probably I was a mistake to be born in this world as an emotional and sentimental person.

I think I should pursue a new life because I am not very positive about things. Really. Being positive pulls one down when things don't turn out the way you want it to be.

Nothing more to ask for, nothing much to say.

You had made the decision, I should be out of the way.

I pray for you, to be happy and all,

Time to pack up and go, the world's not my place.

I wish you well.

Broken.

Somehow I feel that from yesterday till today, I am not thinking much of her. But again, I am suppressing my mind not to think. It is hard not to think when so many things had been overcame by the both of us. All the pains, sweetness and bitterness. It is hard to imagine how one can have feelings faded when we went through so much altogether. Does she ever put that into consideration? Or is it because she's enjoying herself so much that she don't dare to look back into the past again?

I don't know.

Till now I really wonder how can someone put her everything into enjoyment such that she can possibly forsake a lifelong happiness. Friends had being telling me I should give it all up. But I can't! It is hard to do so. And because girls are more emotional, it really makes me fathom why she can forget everything, even though it is after a period of time. I won't say I'm in an emotional turomoil now, but I am just stating something which I felt should be, somehow, addressed.

Work can divert my thoughts, but only for a while. Being with friends can only make me enjoy myself temporary. But where can I find that everlasting enjoyment and happiness that I'm looking for?

I don't know. I just want to release and forget.

Planning For Teachers' Challenge Is Killing Me.

Doing the planning for Teachers' Challenge is really putting a toll on me. So taxing can? Imagine thinking of 19 creative clues and 38 activities. Arghx.

Having stated all these, they are at the exclusion of administrative instructions and the what-nots.

If only you don't have to be an OGL. Wahaha!

And for Khad, if only you come online often.

But never mind, I will survive doing part of the planning.

I seemed to be more sober than ever. Lack of alcohol? Nah. But an increase in caffeine level again. How to stop drinking coffee at home when the drink I have is either Milo or coffee?

Being busy with work is good. Puts my mind off things. But I wonder how long more can I keep myself occupied with orientation matters.

And I received an SMS this morning about clearing my IPPT before my birthday this year. How good can it be if I can achieve a Gold and get away with S$400 bucks. Cold hard cash.

Nah was just kidding. Wouldn't be cash. It will be deposited into my bank account. Haaha!~

Anyway, let me crap about the planning for the event so far. I think the clues that I've came up with so far are crappy, lame and inevitably slightly sadistic. I can't wait to go for the trial run man. It would be so fun! But I foresee unhappiness and clashes of ideas somehow during the whole orientation camp. But well, heck it. I work the way I am; any disagreements jolly be legitimately justified.

I think I will make quite a number of foes by then.

Woe to me!

Hearts Are Made To Be Broken, & Meant To be In Pain.

Bro Ivan is nice to give me a call from Australia. Ha...thanks for that brother...really appreciate it despite the fact that it's 5am at your side!

I feel lighter after chatting with him..but still, I'm baffled by things. By reasons. Or perhaps, by excuses. No matter what, I just hope I will get to know the reason soon. It is a lot more easier to let go if reasons were clear and legitimate. Agree with me?

I see fog obscuring my sky of emotions.

Reasons unspoken, increased tension.

May stories unfold & kill my reasons,

the reasons to love you; I need not mention.

Foresight is important, compared with the present.

Temporary pleasures, or lifelong happiness?

My mind is baffled by how one thinks,

what are the pleasures, why so precious?

What makes feelings fade, I always fathom.

One thing for sure; playfulness is certain.

What's so fun out there, except self-satisfaction?

The failure to recognise priorities is Man's greatest error.

Why must it be graduation before you embrace me again?

What are the reasons, I really cannot ascertain.

Do I look in greener pastures or do I abstain?

Do tell me the reason, to give my heart less pain.

Oh well, another poem popped up just like that.

Good night Singapore.