The Answer

It is so suffocating after the past three days of mental rest.

Felt like there are A LOT of catching up to do.

____________

It seems that I have found the answer to the previous question.

It is a hybrid of both.

____________

An elusive agony finally came to surface. Period.

Sometimes, some things need no elaboration because they are dangerously contagious and they show no symptoms in those who are infected. At least to some people I know, that is.

Sharing.

A sharing session with close friends is always so meaningful. So insightful and perhaps, fascinating.

Somehow, it brings one's thoughts to another dimension as we explore and analyse issues so dear to the heartlanders.

Relationships.

Life.

Achievements.

Some words resonate through my mind yesterday, sending waves of reminiscence, remorse and some emotional discords here and there. It can be just so hard to ignore certain key aspects of the conversations but it seems that life left us with no choices.

What have we achieved in our lives thus far? It really helps to take time off (read: soul vacation if you like) and look back in retrospection, albeit some find it thoroughly useless and hurtful. I call that self-evaluation to make ourselves better. Why else do we learn history?

I look at my life and it tells me I am getting better each day with new learning experiences and interactions with a plurality of peoples. Nothing ever seems better than what it is now.

Question: Is this a new-found, short-term novelty which bashed into a soulful mind, or it is something that is already omnipresent in all subtlety?

No prizes for the correct answer though, if there is even one.

Commitment.

This is hilarious. I was looking at a friend's friend's blog when that friend was talking about commitment.

I dont know lah, but I can't stop giggling to myself. Lol!

It was a pretty emo post with flowery language embedded in it. A tinge of sarcasm too, if you ask me.

___________

It had been a tiring week with little sleep, too much work and incessant buggeriddles. Don't ask me what that word is, I have no idea.

I got to know the truth. But I have guessed as much actually. But Bro, glad that you are fine now. =)

And it all happened too fast such that in a blink of an eye, I am back to reality again. Thinking back in reminiscence, it seems like I was in another dimension with the same group of people. Doing the same thing.

But I must say, Appreciation Night (aka Kudos BSc) is a success through and through. Magnificent and spectacular, if I can call it. Though not massive, the enthusiasm elicited from the guests and members showed great promise.

Thank you to the both Excos and all the members who made this possible. My heartfelt gratitude to you guys for the completion of this nostalgic event which will always leave fond memories in Renee's sea of emotions.

BSc Club is coming to take NIE by storm.

___________

Love and commitment, in a way, tie in together. One is elusive and one is expressive. I chose not to believe too much into them.

These few weeks have left me with many straggling thoughts. Too many take-home messages. Too much damage control done in school. Too many relationships to take care of.

And those straggling thoughts, after re-examination, just showed how "politically-wrong" I am. I feel so hypocritical. Even this hypocrisy is manifested in this post.

Thou shalt not be fake.

Life taught me something. I risked and fell too many a times. I gained invaluable experience from all these rollercoaster rides.

And since you let me go, someone else out there is going to gain from all my experiences.

___________

Okay, this post may seem confusing to a lot of you. Decipher it yourself.

=)

Died: 21.09.06, 0510 hrs.

Reviving on 21.09.06, 0645 hrs.

'Nuff said.

Dried.

Mr. Lim has no more brain juices left. All got squeezed out by work.

And of course, the remnants go to this confidante of mine.

Work never strike me until the H-hour. Likewise for D-day.

Wish me luck for my presentation later on. On extrinsic and intrinsic motivation. How irony!

I have a video shoot tomorrow. Not really looking forward to it anyway.

I think there must be loads of miscommunication and misunderstandings floating in mid air recently. Something which I must sort it out personally before the fire gets uncontrollable.

This is truly the time I need a pillar of support.

Some things just cannot be fitted in here. No examples given.

Emo.

Sometimes, I jus wish that booze remains an integral part of my life.

Just so because I speak my mind when I drink, and you can expect 90% of them to be truthful words than deceptive manifestations of the human mind.

Someone managed to broke into this space of mine through a careless mistake, and you know who you are. Lol.

Brat.

I've just seen a multitude of ideas and perceptives. Of different ages and professions. Of different backgrounds and cultures. All in one boozing session.

In them I see myself, living in the middle of the all-so-perfect life. But I am nowhere there.

I am still young, but not so young.

I managed to obscure the hazy thoughts in my mind, and the result of it all is a lerthagic and restless soul. Unwanted and wallowing in self-pity.

But the gem that I have recovered in this process is my long-lost self-confidence.

No longer lost in myself and lost in undesired pursues. I see the BIG picture now.

Judge me if you want, people. It doesn't really bother me.

You point one finger at me, three fingers are pointing back at you.

I live for myself,my family, my passion and my friends.

If one don't live for all these, what is life's worth?

Nothing.

Shifts.

There seems to be a shift in my life. To knowing new people, to getting club work done and many other matters.

That "encounter" last week at Dbl O rocked my life like a meteor on Earth, but ever since then the fire has died down. I have my own conclusions pertaining to this issue and I would attribute the main reason to her being a big-time social butterfly.

Nonetheless, a great experience. Everyday is a learning experience for me. But just not today.

Supposed to be blading but, thanks to the rain.

I feel so lonely. Maybe it is the lack of personal funds. Maybe it is still that void in my life. Many "maybes" haunt me.

I am still in the process of getting my life straightened out. More or less straightened already. Just that little bit more to go.

_______________________

I had a lesson on "values" last Thursday. Talking about values that teachers should have before we can educate the young ones.

I re-examined myself and try to relate my values to my behaviour. They don't seem to correlate at times. Conflicting. And this is utterly terrible.

Call that the basic instinct in men, or call that a fair trade. In a nutshell, I reckon it to be a fair trade at that point of time. And luckily, I didn't attach any strings to it. Neither does she.

I've learnt it the hard way. All the time. Nah, I don't want to play mind games no more. So "un-Hong Da".

At the moment when I decided to do something, I knew that you had just lost me there and then. It was a quick and decisive moment. No hesitations.

Eventful.

The weekend was VERY eventful. SIIA seminar at NUS, clubbing at Double O and both on the same day. 23 hours of up-time for me.

Happy birthday Jinghan!

But what exactly is the salient issue?

Somewhat, chance and fate. Maybe lust. It was an eye-opener indeed. Maybe I haven't really seen the world yet.

No no don't wander too far. You know I am not that kind.

But indeed, that night left many memories as well as provocative thoughts in me as the take-home message.

This is just my first step out to the society I guess.

Maybe, that night is going to start off a series of critical and "analytical" cranial processes. Sounds like waging a war eh.

It makes me want to understand how people older than me think. How they see things. How a experience-rich person with a unique heritage living in M'sia and yet visits Singapore regularly see me as.

So far, I'm seen as an articulate person and one with a better command of English compared to the average Singaporean (quoted).

Let's see what comes next as I explore this.

I Should Have Known.

This bout of stress and sickness brought me to my lowest point (so far) for this semester.

I needed motivation, encouragement and basically, something which I can fall back on. I see that in life, it is always much more reliable to rely on yourself than other. Just so that you will not squirm at your own timidness when it suddenly dawned upon you that there is no one outside that door.

I should have known than to ask. After all, there should be no obligations, right?

Right.

Just like I was telling a friend. There are simply too much stuff which I cannot confide in school mates as well as close friends because 1.) either I get a scolding or 2.), I push the morale down. I cannot even blog it out. Got to stomach it all.

Or tell a neutral party about it.

I learnt about intrinsic motivation in school. How it actually pushes one towards his/her goals. Yes, I find purpose and meaning in things that I do but I see that my life is just but a fluctuation of emotions masked by my academic baggage. It is time to look into myself once more. This has been intolerable.

I'll pack my bag and go. This world has no space for me.

Wiki It!

Something interesting when I "wiki-ed" for information regarding our National Flag. No politics involved though.

"The Flag of Singapore consists of two horizontal halves, red above white. Red symbolises universal brotherhood and equality of man; white stands for pervading and everlasting purity and virtue. In the upper left corner, a white crescent moon and five white stars form a circle. The crescent moon represents a young nation on the rise. The five stars stand for the ideals of democracy, peace, progress, justice and equality.

The flag was also carefully designed to please the community. Red was chosen, as it symbolised good fortune for the Chinese and courage for the Malays. White was chosen as it was the traditional Malay and universal colour for purity. The Chinese, who were influenced by communist China, wanted stars on the flag, while the Malays wanted a crescent moon to symbolise Islam. So, the government came to a compromise with five stars and a moon instead of the traditional one moon and one star representing Islam."

~Extracted from Wikipedia

Man, I'm stressed. =(

Lesson Planning and Racism.

Man, it is such a chore to do lesson plans. But since I told myself I should be doing it today after unwinding last night, I guess I ought to do so.

We have lots of Malays last night in MOS who seem "underaged-but-I-managed-to-smoke-my-way-in." They really spoilt the kind of classy outlook that MOS wants to protray. They always think they are so groovy with the beat and you know, "wannabes" lah.

It was a good thing that I can't be that bothered, otherwise my night would be spoilt.

No racial discrimination here and all. Personal opinions only. I have lots of cool Malay friends you know. Like the Malay in the class whom I always call him by race, "Malay". Alright, He's Fahmy. He calls me "Chinese" as well, and I thought that was nice of him because usually, he tends to add in a noun after that word.

Ah, let's talk about races. It has always been an interesting and controversial issue in our society now.

There is this Muslim friend of mine, rather close to me. She was telling me about her relationship problems with this Hindi guy who "ostracises" the Malay community because he thinks that the roots of terrorism started with Malays (read: Malays and not Muslims). This is indeed discriminating. I cannot bring myself to believe that there are such stereotypical people with hopeless myopic disorders existing in this world.

But I am really glad I have friends of other races who can tolerate my racist remarks and jokes. But please know, I am not a racist. Just that some jokes are funny just the way they are. Even Chinese racist jokes are funny.

"Man who bounce woman on bed spring this spring have offspring next spring."

Those Moments.

Those moments of silence were unbearable. Somehow, I feel the distance.

It took me so much courage, which was otherwise unattainable without beer, to say those words.

I almost teared as they came out from me. Like a final goodbye.

A good night's chat with an old buddy on Friday shed some light on me. Some really personalised things which I really took it positively. Career or love life; it's my choice.

It seems that I don't have much of a choice, do I?

I feel the stress coming when my club got the gold award. Boy I was so elated but yet, I feel that so much more has to be done in order to sustain that kind of status. And I have not factor in school work for now.

Simply put, I had enough. I cannot afford to let people around me down.

"You must be impartial about your personal life and work because technically speaking, you are pursuing your career now. You cannot afford to make mistakes on this already-risky path."

Well said.

Many other commitments came up and ARE coming up. I rather forsake something personal and not disappoint people who have placed much hope and faith in me. I know I cannot let these people down. They were the ones there for me when I really needed someone(s).

_____________________

"maybe is gd for tt decision. bye"

This came in seconds ago. That was painful, but in a way, I chose it. I was too numbed to dwell on it anymore.

I just need a listening ear. Or rather, someone to spend this period of silence with me without a word. Just be there beside me. To let me feel I am really a friend to you. I don't need words. Just the company, no matter who you are.

I can't help it, yet I can't do it.

I want to cry out loud, so that I'll be fine.

But I can't cry anymore.