I Got To Get Myself Checked.

Now I think somehow, somewhere is wrong. And I got to get myself checked.

*pauses*

I think I am schizophrenic.

I don't tend to exhibit any particular trends of the above said. It is just my contradictory thoughts that run through my mind during the length of the day and night which make me think so.

Maybe I am just tired, that's why this came out at such unearthly hours.

And I got a fcuking lesson at 8.30am, which means I have to be up by 6am. 3 hours later can?

The presence (or the absence) of someone can really make your mind spin and spin like a merry-go-round with an engine.

I think I have very nice friends around me. I want to give my thanks to you people for keeping me company. You know who you are. You are once again appreciated.

Every start of the week, I realised that there is always something to look forward to on Fridays and Saturdays, which drove my willpower to pull through the weekdays of mindless and zombie-like state in a place where we learn to mould the future of our nation.

And that motivating factor is definitely not booze. But it does play a complementary role though.

.........

Again, I paused and hesitated to pen down some thoughts. What use does words serve anyway when they simply bounce off nonchalently?

I shall pay special attention to mysel these few days and perhaps, I will see a shrink.

Nah I'm just kidding, Just something to kill off my intrinsic urge of blogging (for the sake of blogging).

But hey, some are true and some are not. Up to you to decipher.

Life goes on anyway.

Out of The League.

I feel so out of the league and I don't know why.

Maybe as what fio said, "one leg in and one leg out."

Somewhere there but not so "there" yet you see.

And the best thing is, the feeling is like scoring an own goal. That kind of anguish. That kind of sourness.

_________

Sometimes, some words are just not meant to be shared. Especially when it tends to bring the troopers' morale down. Even this blog cannot serve as an avenue for me to unleash the little little boo-boos.

_________

Everyone's feeling down in their own ways. Close or distant friends alike. Problems everywhere. The world is coming to an end!

_________

I just hope that everyone stays the same in their own unique ways. As what I have always known them for. Be it their confident self, comedian-type or even whiny self.

It makes me know they are alive, as much as it makes me know that I am.

I Think, Therefore I Am.

I have a feeling that I am a control freak. How so, I don't really know.

Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated.

~Lamartine

It was sheer reluctance that I have to part with you, I rummaged through my mind just to find distorted visions of my own confused self. Things seemed so uncontrollable in me there and then.

How true is the saying," the deeper you are, the harder you fall."

A little Blue Seashell.

It all started from a wrong decision made.

Time seemed to fly these past few months. We led our own lives, and made merry while we could.

I picked up a blue seashell from a corner of my mind,
I heard a familiar love song playing along these lines
“I was yours, and you were mine,”
But who remembers this with the passing of time?

Our paths crossed again one fine day because of a book and of course, memories.

No pacts were made to be fair to one and all. However, you stated your stand and I stated mine. Your objectives and priorities are clear and so are mine. Everything seemed too magical at that moment because of the exciting anticipation which both of us see in the future. That was true for me, at least.

Time is an interesting concept. It lets us anticipate but amidst the anticipation comes unexpected twists to the story. The once-thought excitement that time had promised was not delivered; it only delivered increasing apprehension as frequent meet-ups numbed the magic that we should have all these while.

Sometimes men are just like a little blue seashell,
A simple look it has, but what is hidden you cannot tell.
The strength is faked and the courage is compelled,
What is real is the tenderness burning in hell.

I am about to be thrown into a state of impending disequilibrium.

The magic fades slowly as likened to feelings. Everytime I look into your eyes, reminisences of the past resurfaced, just to tell me that we can only be friends for now and forever. Those lovely eyes only serve as a warning to my fragile mind; to stay the way it is now so that my heart of glass can heal. But yes, the magical glow in your eyes is still there. A double-edged sword telling me it is a lose-lose situation.

My mind battles the body. What the mind says, the body cannot follow. Somehow, the fading magic remains on every part of me. I am trying so very hard, very hard.

Half a cup of memories is enough to make me drunk,
Makes me dial on the number which always got hung.
How are you now? Has the magic been debunked?
It seems that the meaning of love has since turned numb.

And I am still trying very hard now. To salvage, or not to?

I lost the stamina, courage and confidence to continue in this marathon. The endpoint seems so unachievable. Put in my all, complete the race, or put in my all just to risk collapsing before the endpoint?

I am exhausted through and through.

A tinge of remorse is enough to make me feel the pain for real,
The “me” in the past is still as stubborn as a mule.
Do you miss me? Is the allocated time already due?
Let time abrade the remains of our unsaid words,
into remnants of unspent zeal.

Writes.

What constitute a good write?

Writes that talk about your emotional being, or your daily life? The latter is mundane enough even before you put it into words.

The former invites too many controversies, arguments and unhappiness.

And it is ever so hard to have a post which talks about both issues. What is the aim of writing a blog? The latter or former? I'm sure that one would want viewers to focus more on either part of those two. So isn't it a gargantuan task to be able to be "politically" right and "diplomatic" if you really want to achieve your aim and yet be careful with the type of language you use?

_______________________________

It has been a toil on me so far. Stress is something inevitable in Singapore.

And if stress can bring such repercussions on one from another party, I think this is one thing that might never change, no matter how much you love a person.

Just so because it is part of the character.

Being unreasonable is one thing, but being unreasonable after one's hope is dispelled is another issue altogether.

Thank you Candice and Huazheng for the night. I do pray for Huazheng that she will be fine soon. My heart feels sour for her. It is really not a good feeling to lend your shoulder to someone who is feeling down. Especially when you are "kind of" in the same boat.

Yes, I still have guilt over things I had done years back. And this is something that haunt me for now

Because that is something that is indirectly causing my intrinsic suffering now.

Good night people.

Argh

Argh.

This is TRULY IRRITATING.

I don't want to hope for anything already.

Waiting and hoping leaves nothing but disappointment & despair sometimes.

Leave me alone. Maybe it is better this way.

Say I don't understand you. I am unreasonable.

That is a fact for now. Period.

张宇: 趁早

到后来才发现爱你是一种习惯

我学会和你说一样的谎

你总是要我在你身旁

说幸福该是什么模样

你给我的天堂其实是一片荒凉

要是我早可以和你一刀两断

我们就不必在爱里勉强

可是我真的不够勇敢, 总为你忐忑为你心软

毕竟相爱一场不要谁心里带着伤

我可以永远笑着扮演你的配角

在你的背后自己煎熬

如果你不想要, 想退出要趁早

我没有非要一起到老

我可以不问感觉继续为爱讨好

冷眼的看着你的骄傲

若有情太难了, 想别恋要趁早

就算迷恋你的拥抱

忘了就好

要是我早可以和你一刀两断

我们就不必在爱里勉强

可是我真的不够勇敢

总为你忐忑为你心软

毕竟相爱一场, 不要谁心里带着伤

我可以永远笑着扮演你的配角

在你的背后自己煎熬

我没有非要一起到老

我可以不问感觉继续为爱讨好

冷眼的看着你的骄傲

若有情太难了想别恋要趁早

就算迷恋你的拥抱忘了就好

爱已至此怎样的说法都能成为理由

我在这样的爱情里看见的是我们的软弱

我可以永远笑着扮演你的配角

在你的背后自己煎熬

如果你不想要想退出要趁早

我没有非要一起到老

我可以不问感觉继续为爱讨好

冷眼的看着你的骄傲

若有情太难了, 想别恋要趁早

就算迷恋你的拥抱忘了就好

It Has Been Quite A Ride.

Life's been a rollercoaster ride for the past two weeks and I have loads on my mind.

I took over the club officially and I am very optimistic that things will go on pretty fine with my wonderful EXCO.

Finally caught my first movie after such a long time on National Day at Bishan. My Super Ex-Girlfriend is a must-watch if you just want to laugh yourself silly. Really. Initially I did not have the thought of going to the movies until the clock struck 8pm. After all, I just want to chill out. But my patience was running out since I could not get any company, and since Fio asked, so why not? HAHA!

And that night culminated in a packet of microwaved food and Liang Teh from Cheers.

But Saturday night was a whack at the 7th Month Dinner at the Detention Barracks. 60 bucks for endless flow of booze and a dinner. What more can I ask for? But I guess the night ended bitterly for a couple of friends around. Well, ugly facets of life.

______________________

I can't seem to reminisce what had happened in the past. I seem to forget a lot of matters which were previously harping on my mind incessantly. But it is a vicious cycle, because you forget, and new issues come into your mind every now and then.

History repeats itself.

On my mind RIGHT now, I feel so reluctant to type what my mind wants to bring into this blog.

I feel that I have changed for the worst again. No it's not the alcohol that made me schizoprenic at times.

Just so happens that alcohol gave me the courage to hurl "verbal" abuses that my heart longed to speak. Words and emotions that are so elusive from my conscious mind from time to time finally found an avenue for release.

This is something about me that doesn't change.

I finally understood the sourness of being alone when I needed company, even just for a simple dinner. I finally understood that the emotional baggage I have been carrying brought me nothing but memories and bitterness.

Life is a matter of choices and yes, I chose it this way. Let's see how long before my threshold reaches its limit.

Good night people.

I'm enjoying every moment of posting such things....=)

Your Love Life Secrets Are

Looking back on your life, you will only have one true love. You're a little scarred from your past relationships, but who isn't? You expect a lot from your lover - you want the full package. You tend to be very picky. In fights, you are able to walk away and calm down. You are able to weather the storm. A break-up usually comes as a shock to you. You always think things are going well.

Your Love Life Secrets, Revealed

OMG!!!

You Are 30% Boyish and 70% Girlish

Even if you're not a girl, you're very feminine. You're in touch with your feelings, and your heart rules you. A bit of a emotional roller coaster, one moment you're up and the next you're down. But no matter what, you try to be as cute and perky as possible.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

Another one.

How You Life Your Life

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside. You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think. You tend to have one best friend you hang with, as opposed to many aquaintences. You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.

How Do You Live Your Life?

Out of curiosity, though it kills the cat.

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have medium extroversion. You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party. Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences. But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time." Conscientiousness: You have medium conscientiousness. You're generally good at balancing work and play. When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done. But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it. Agreeableness: You have high agreeableness. You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly. Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone. You give people the benefit of the doubt and don't mind giving someone a second chance. Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism. You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic. Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy. Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is low. You're a pretty conservative person, and you favor what's socially acceptable. You think that change for novelty's sake is a very bad idea. While some may see this as boring, many see you as dependable and wise.

The Five Factor Personality Test

Hmm.

"Like I say, you never perceive things the way I do; you just look at it from a vengeful manner."

I should stop. Just stop at where I am.

Good night people.

郑中基 - 绝口不提爱你

闭上眼睛忍住呼吸
暂时要和世界脱离
就快要学会不再想你
却听见不断跳动的心

我允许了你让爱的自由还给你
我允许了自己承受这悲伤到天明

我不愿放弃却要故意默默允许
我答应自己爱你的心绝口不提
总是以为终究化作云淡风轻
爱你到底痛了自己

我不愿放弃却要故意默默允许
我答应自己爱你的心绝口不提
所有结局在这夜里都已成形
爱到了底痛的是我的真心

Faded reminiscence on the birthday. Meant to be forgotten.

Sometimes...

Sometimes, I act abnormally to make people around me happy. What really makes me happy in life is to see people around me happy, and that makes me happy as well.

I am that simple after all, because simplicity is really beauty. Serious.

A big thanks to Candice for accompanying me for the night of booze and talking though you are tired. Lol. We have yet to take a picture, thanks to your ever-glaring flashlight on your mobile. I reckon you won't read my blog anyway but it's okay. =)

A big sorry to Fio though, because I knew(felt) you needed some company but a promise is still a promise; the date with my friend was made before that message of yours. It was a tough decision after all.

No regrets for tonight because time past by me so fast that I didn't even realise it.

It was a good night after all the boozing and all. Who said booze isn't good?

当你明天独自醒来, 或许会发现分手, 才有期待.

Good night people.

要如何让你明白, 我用尽我的爱.

Sometimes, you can just say I don't understand you enough. Neither do you.

Depressed.

I am depressed.

No stipend letter today.

Period.

Updates.

Was forced to blog. @!#!@$%#$^&%

The past one week full of birthday celebrations was pretty fun. Full of memories too.

I thank you for everything and your time. Everything has been appreciated. Thank you once again for your patience and time.

Last Saturday, it was a blast at Central KTV with friends. And I think that's all for my birthday, so far.

Wednesday night was a whack also. But one thing I must really say; Hougang Plaza's KBox CMI. The sound systems, the remote controls and the comfort level of the place. Totally CMI.

I thought that night will be "boozeful" but it NEVER turn out the way I wanted to. Toopid Sengkang neighbour don't want to drink beer. And said it is expensive. And that 2 hours' of k-ing was too short. I want to k again. But with BEER please, my dear neighbour.

Nonetheless, I thank you for your company all these while. You have been appreciated. (",)

But seriously, you would be more appreciated when you stop calling me "Ah Dai."

Just when life starts to get exciting, school reopens. This does happen everytime doesn't it? It was the same for last year.

Time to leave the emotional baggage behind and go.

Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars. Period.

Good day people.

No Good Day.

By right, today is a happy occasion. It sure did.

And the best thing that happened today; I just ruined my own day.

No good day people.