Why?

Facebook is not an avenue anymore. The other blog as well.

What can I do?

I offered. I saw things from my point of view but did you? You have everything in your life. You have a loving father who will make you happy.

I am also earning a living. I have to do what I have to.

And it is tiring. Do you see that? Do you see how passionate am I about my job? Do you see how much effort I put in for those kids? Do you see how much of my rest time I've sacrificed just to straighten things out as an appointed DM?

Do you see the kind of personal time I've forked out just to travel and see you? It is just so upsetting to see that things I've done are not up to what you want even when it is my best.

Forget the sarcasm.

So all the things I've done negate themselves now.

I tried, but it's just not good enough.

Do you know how much it breaks my heart to see such words from you? You know?

I was hopeless before. I don't want to land myself in that shithole again.

Please. Don't do that to me.

People are always more than what they seem, aren't they?

This feeling that I can't explain, is eating me from the inside out. Some sort of like, when I was still deeply in love.

Anger and rashness had composed most of my emotions in the past few years.

This time, it is sadness.

Many things in life, we've always wanted to try. Sky-diving, snorkelling, summitting Mt. Everest.

Some are acceptable; some are not.

If sleep is a solution, I'd sleep forever.

It was utterly depressing when I had an encounter with a few of my kids just now. Things got pretty emotional that tears were almost swelling up my eyes.

It is those sort of moments when you started to think; do those kids still have any tinge of conscience in them?

What happened to the efforts you've put in, perspiring until your long-sleeved shirt is dripping wet and yet you refused to stop and rest.

Sometimes you wonder where your efforts have gone to.

Passion? Yes. It is my nemesis.

What About Now?

In the corner of the world a shadow lies,
someone’s crying in that place without light.
What they asked for is out of sight,
what they wanted never did come alive.

Can we change the colours of the sky,
can we change the wrongs and rights?
Can we make it through the dawn alive,
can we leave all the scars behind?

What about now?

Someone’s hungry, someone’s hurting.
Some people live there trying to make ends meet.
Places engulfed in smoke and debris,
Is it right for things to be like this?

What about now? What about today?

One day in the world a light went on.
An idea was born between right and wrong.
Someone took a stand; fear be gone.
It’s never too late, we’ll break through the dawn.

For all the things that never died,
The sun is rising right in front of your eyes.
Shadows fade into the light,
Telling us that we will still survive.

I am the end of poverty, I am a different path.
Riding on the wave of compassion never seems too far.
I am light, the gift of vision.
Together we will surf across that ocean so rough.

The unfinished story

With the advent of technology, I'm finally able to blog at one of my favourite places.

Life (or stress) has started to take a toll on me when I know it is just peanuts of what are going to come.

I question myself in terms of the responsibilities that are oncoming.

Right now, being pre-occupied with work does take away some anxiety but in time to come, there will be moments when I am in my own serene yet surreal mind-world. That time marks the incoming of emotions and reflections when I start to doubt myself.

In fact, I am doubting myself now. So many things at hand, so little time, so little chances for in-time reflections.

Everyday, I don't say goodbye to anyone at my workplace. That is because, I am always the last to leave.

Foreseeing myself to blog more in future.

Laters.

Like, It's Time To Face The Music

Well I'm back after an extremely long hiatus.

And I've started work for eons.

It began to felt that the stress is somehow getting insurmountable. Somehow breathing down my neck until the weekend comes, until I decide to lock stress out of my only dream-like reality Fridays and Saturdays.

Then it dawned upon me that I used to blog to relieve the pent-up and constipated thoughts of mine.

Yes, I do not deny that I love my work, the things I do for my little bosses everyday but yet when I leave my workplace daily I feel this unchallenged surge of lethargy (ironic eh) plurging out of my every vein.

Talk about work-life balance. Right.

Everyday I get back home 14 hours later just to realise that the next day is about to come. The only times I have to myself is when I face the miserable computer (yet again) planning for the next day.

*Stretches my back*

I feel drained everyday but it never dawn upon me that I'm immersing myself in work so much so that I lack balance in my personal life. Until someone started telling me that he wants his work-life balance such that work stops at a stipulated time for him and that's that.

Then I started to feel that my balance is oddly skewed towards work.

But hey, it felt a little better to just blog about it, for now.

Laters.

The Year That Was (some sort) Never Meant To Be.

fio has the time to blog, despite the fact that she is a full-time educator.

Dylan did not blog much, despite the fact that he is still going through teacher training.

But here I am, trying to recollect what has happened this year.

I would say that this year has created for me a wealth of opportunities, and choice-making situations; some of which were amicably made, some of which were regretfully made and some of which are gladfully made.

What traumatises me the most for these past two weeks left me affixed to my belief that Luck was pretty down on me in 2007. Somehow, the 'best' thing got to happen in 2008. A turning point of my life which will determine my future.

In case you are thinking if it has something to do with my inner thoughts, no, you are wrong. Nothing emotional here. It was something which I have done in a moment of impulse, wanting to inject that adrenaline rush. Like most shows, villains get their just desserts in the end.

No matter what the outcome is, just hope.

And pray before the hour comes.

__________

All the falseness in my words, all the hypocrisy in my actions and all the wretched thoughts in my mind (from time to time) culminate in a lifetime of remorse and haunting memories. This past year seemed like a facade which should never manifest in front of my very eyes.

Somehow, it did. Never a nightmare but a mirage that never go away.

I hope to be a better man for the rest of my life.

Do what is right. Sometimes, doing the correct thing doesn't help. Doing what is right carries more weight. Go figure.