I...I...I...

I have this bad feeling. It is telling me that I am a changed person. And before this feeling came, I had already felt so.

I feel this bad urge to sort myself out once more. And once and for all. But I thought I had being intrinsically sorted out already. What is going on in my own darn world?

I don't know.

Having a mobile and a computer has both it pros and cons.

Having a study table in front of my computer is bad enough. And now my fingers get itchy. And saw things which I don't want to see.

AT ALL.

My frustrations had built up to my threshold already. I cannot contain it all. I cannot focus on my paper tomorrow. What the hell am I doing to my life?

It is just so wrecked as of now. I feel so jaded and desperate. Desperate to find the answers to all the many many questions that haunted me for so long. I no longer feel for others as a human being. I feel like a inhumane monster now. I pen my thoughts in my blog as if I am suicidal. I don't want to spare a thought for others anymore. Why must I be so considerate towards people and suffer myself?

Man is selfish, and I fully agree on that. No doubt I am selfish too. But why can't I bring myself to be a bastard? I guess inside the corner of my mind remains a shred of conscience and consideration for others. I wish I can hurl verbal abuses to my blog. But I can't bring myself to. I am suffering from physical and emotional turmoil. Can't my emotions just leave me alone and let me live one day of my life peacefully? Can't I just be happy with what I have right now? NO! I am happy! But why must the ghosts of my past haunt me incessantly? I admit that I want to attract attention by blogging in this manner. I admit that I am a hypocrite who makes merry with his friends but feels so screwed inside. I admit that I am desperate for attention. But at the same time, I want to reject concern from my friends. Maybe you should just do something as simple as.......

leaving me alone. I hate this world.

And I hope the person who caused me all these will read my blog, somehow.