I am depressed. Very depressed.

Life seemed to have a new glow when she told me we could possibly meet up on Christmas Day to see the lightings in town. A shocking news awaits me at home. She can't meet me! My world turned upside down, inside out. I felt butterflies in my stomach. I felt so screwed up. I felt like crying. I felt so condemned. Well as I always told myself "don't disturb her, give her time" and the same old shit, i can't control in this point of time. It felt too compressed in me that I was almost explosive.

1st Xmas wish that I told her: "All I want for Xmas is you."

2nd personal wish I harboured: To take pictures with her in Orchard for for keepsake.

First one cannot be fulfilled, never mind. Hopefully the 2nd one can come true. Now, it seemed too far from my reach...

Still can remember what we did on last Christmas. Went to Esplanade. Reminisced about it when i was talking to Mike over there just now. Mike is right, wherever we go, definitely we are bound to think about the past. Why am I not strong enough to control and stop thinking about it? All wishes for this festive season is gone. Bro Ivan is in shit himself. I don't want to club on Xmas eve. I don't want to drink as well. What the hell can I do then? Watching friends going out with their darlings? Sure I can smile and be happy for them. Right.

I don't wish to wallow in self-pity anymore. Neither do I want people to pity me. Sometimes, I really want to deceive myself and ask her if we can break up after Xmas. At least I will feel happy in self-denial. Reality is cruel, yes.

Sometimes, I really asked myself and wonder...why am I doing so much for a dead relationship? I definitely know it was dead already before the break up. But yet I want to do it. Why? Because I still love her? Yes I still love her. Loved her too much that after the breakup, i tried to hate her so that I can forget about this whole episode. But i can't bring myself to do that. Neither do I hope that she will do something for the sake of me forgetting her (after she had seen this blog).

This whole story happened so suddenly. Ended so suddenly. I don't know where am I now. I am so lost.

Can someone please give me some directions?

Shall end this blog with lots of tears on my chest, sadness in my heart and regretfulness on my mind.