Okay, this is going to be a darn ugly, filthy and crude post about my emotions. If you think you are going to get offended, I suggest you close this window right now.

You've hurt a guy or two badly before once, but you got to hurt me more than twice.

As much as my conscious mind is actively thinking about other things, my sub-conscious mind dreams as I fall into slumber. A lot of angry and disappointing thoughts are going through my mind now, but I've learnt to control them.

It doesn't matter how you feel towards this relationship, but I knew how much this 3-4 years of "love" meant to you when you ended it with just a pathetic SMS. That doesn't really matter because although you might be busy or what, I don't think such emotional output for 3-4 years from both parties should just end like that. Now I know how much it once mattered to you. Perhaps, this past relationship doesn't really matter to you. Tiredness is not a reason good enough. Not even a phone call to end it all. We are still young, and one day you will understand how I felt that day.

I don't have to express how disappointed I am in you, you should have felt it because my heart is totally gone from this past relationship. I remembered how hard you had pushed me to get my driving licence, and I remembered a lot of other things which I had accomplished because of your motivation.

Now I really question myself; how come you can change so fast after those encouraging words. It is a question that will disappear from the back of my mind tonight forever.

I may be wrong in some ways or another, but the same goes to you. I gave in and gave you the benefit of thinking through it, although I see no hope already. I did all I could.

But after all the explanations you had given me, all I can gather is that you are still not ready. Same old thing I am going to say; why tell me you are ready last year when you are not? You know, you should had told me when you realised that you couldn't let go of me because it was habitual, instead of holding on to it for so long although you know chances of salvaging it is pretty near to zero. You shouldn't even try to recollect the feelings anymore because you know that ultimately, you are not ready and you still want to play.

You don't have to ask yourself whether you had made the right choice to the outcome of this past relationship. All I know is that you should feel relieved that you had just saved a guy from your hands. So what if I am the right one to you? I don't think you are treating me as one from the kind of attitude you had towards me. I don't have to tell you but you yourself knew I was suffering, and you were treating me unfairly.

Maybe you should question yourself to see what you want in this life of yours, and learn to talk to people who are older than you. Perhaps they will shed some light to you.

May I suggest that you don't hurt any other guys until you are ready to settle down. Don't go into a relationship because you think the guy is the right one for you. Instead, think, whether you are ready to settle down with the guy.

Sometimes, I just felt so sorry for myself for asking you out in Feb 2002. But again, thanks to you because you had just made me see another side of how the society changes people. Life is always full of surprises, be it good or bad; like it or not they just come.

More thoughts coming after more nights of unintentional drinking.